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Movement is one of my indicators. Like a check engine light illuminating a dash, my resistance to movement or desire to move in excess tells me that I need to check-in with my body because something is happening.
If I need movement, I typically opt for yoga since I can customize it to my mood and theme of the day. If I need more expansive movement and I have the ability to explore, I walk.
I love to walk somewhere after sessions with my counselor. Walking provides the time and space to digest what we explored during the session (or digest snacks I pick up along the route).
This particular Thursday afternoon, I had no destination — a point I neglected to address until after a mile of walking. The night before, I fell asleep around 5 AM. As a result, my aimless walking turned into a coffee run. Thus, Coffee Quest: 2020 began.
Using the criteria of “coffee” and filtered by “near me” and “OPEN NOW,” I started on my way to a coffee shop nearby for a pick-me-up. COVID scheduling meant that many places closed earlier than usual or indicated online. I pulled on the locked door of the first coffee shop a few times before "closed" registered in my brain. This sign in their window caught my eye and added to the delay.
No big deal. I admired the poster and looked up another option. The darkened shop and "closed" sign of a second coffee shop offered a little comfort and zero coffee. Any other day, I would abandon the efforts and be disappointed in the internet for leading me on the fruitless yet valiant quest to acquire coffee.
Yet I could tell almost immediately after arriving at the first of 3 coffee shops that it was anything but fruitless.
The seemingly random directions during Coffee Quest: 2020 led me on a path that traversed through so many areas where I have both experienced or processed trauma. The plot twist?: Miscellaneous markers like the poster above caused me to feel like I was being cheered on during a marathon despite my walking pace.
To be very brief and transparent: on May 30th, I was shot in the head by a "non-lethal" projectile during the protests in Downtown Denver. The force split open my forehead above my right eye in a way I had only seen in movies. It was a very visceral experience. This injury occurred a mere two days after requiring a civil assist to return to my old apartment for the first time in over a week, collect the rest of my belongings, and walk away from abusive partner and toxic relationship.
Counseling has been tremendously helpful as I continue to process the complex nature of my experiences. It reminds me that trauma is a part of my story but does not define the story as a whole. Across sessions, we identified three concepts essential to my healing process and unique in their manifestation: Grit, Grace, and Growth.
Grit manifests as the persistent belief that I can face hard things, stand my ground, and continue with intention. Different from bootstrapping, it is a character practice that becomes more refined as I respond authentically to adverse experiences. When I am low on grit-like energy, my momentum and desire to move comes to a screeching halt. In short, my brain smacks the "Stress Response" button and I freeze. To share an example, I stumbled upon a few stress activating locations about a month prior to Coffee Quest: 2020. At that time, I gravitated towards these spaces to see whether or not I would be bothered by them. I wanted to believe that I was resilient enough to face the scenes that framed my nightmares then. I thought I had no reason to be exaggerating my perceived fear of a physical location. I recognize now that I was gaslighting myself and ignoring important boundaries.
0/10. DO NOT recommend.
Like a moth to a flame, burned by the fire — that area was still emotionally charged. The outcome of my provocation was a panic attack in front of a public building where froze on a bench far away from others (and anyone that could help). Thankfully, I had the capacity to phone-a-friend in my support network who talked me through grounding exercises. Within a few hours (yes hours), I felt steady enough to leave the park. I could "unfreeze".
That taught me that I had not honored the physical red flags my body sent to my brain: clenched jaw, increasing heart rate, nausea, and rapidly-intensifying headache. I failed to make a fairly simple connection (i.e. my body telling my brain to back off) in an effort to prove myself wrong ("You're fine. It's fine. Everything's fine."). Failure presented an opportunity to learn how to do things another way. I learned from this particular failure that just because I can doesn'’t mean I should.
**Grace enters the chat.** If I can be kind to others, I can learn to incorporate practices that allow me to be kind and forgiving to myself. I needed to give myself participation trophies when I committed to making kind choices. Grace celebrates those small moments where I give to and forgive myself. Grace permits me to be "OK" with where I am in the present moment -- even if I'm not "OK". Grace allows me to be confident in my ability to make a kind choice for myself.
Fast-forward to this Thursday afternoon in August, I savored the energy I had to move around. I walked joyfully in the sun and smiled beneath my face mask as Coffee Quest: 2020 continued. When I reached the area near the protest route intensified for me, I paused and practiced a bit of kindness with myself. The toolbox of coping strategies opened like the briefcase in Pulp Fiction.
That pause not only was an act of grace, it was a chance to see some personal growth. It was OK to choose to continue Coffee Quest: 2020 AND just as OK to abandon the quasi-epic adventure. Growth in that moment was a reminder that I get to choose. Feeling empowered to make choices is an important component of trauma-informed care since trauma can make me feel powerless at times.
I chose to continue on the route to a third coffee shop. I recalled a mantra I had seen days earlier: “There will come a time where you will smile in places where you once frowned and laugh in places where you once wept.” The phrase echoed in my head. Soon, imaginary dots along the path to feed a random craving for caffeine connected. Sign after posted sign called out to me with encouraging messages that suggested I was on the right paths: the path of growth and path of Coffee Quest: 2020.
Like this theater marquee located blocks away from the hotel where I recovered from my dysfunctional and dissolved relationship;
These street signs on a pole leading up to the epicenter of the May protest;
And lastly, a new-to-only-me “Black Lives Matter” mural, canvased on the street barely a block away from where I was gassed, harassed, and concussed.
Growth, in those moments, felt like the ability to be present in a space where would normally relive that Saturday night when I bled on Broadway. The sights. The sounds. The blurry. The vivid. Growth showed up as being “OK” with the fact that what I experienced was not “OK”. Growth looked like (literal) signs on the journey for cold brew that emboldened me instead of impairing me. And that gave me hope.
Three walking miles in the Denver sun later, I paused to laugh about the absurdity and beauty of it all over a large cold brew with oat milk and a shot of espresso. I am especially fond of another realization I came to while writing this post: I absentmindedly passed a number of Starbucks storefronts on the way there.
Still worth the journey (and the socially-distance drink I acquired), I am grateful for Coffee Quest: 2020 and its ridiculous route. It reminds me that healing is not a destination, nor is it a linear journey. It is as unique to us as our fingerprints. I will have good days and high points like that day. I will have days where I struggle to see and appreciate the good. On those days, I hope to remember Coffee Quest: 2020 and the 3 G's that saturated the day. Grit helped me hold on to possibility and purpose. Grace felt like a whisper of “good trouble” as I shed quiet tears on the Broadway sidewalks. Growth reminded me that I have support, I have choice, and I have the capacity to pause. There is a lot we can experience when we mindfully pause to check-in with ourselves
Even people who need to move around need to pause from time to time.
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